"everybody cares, everybody understands."

i have to stop caring. i thought it was getting better, but i've spent the last twenty minutes thinking about something i can't change now. i can change it in the future; i should probably be focusing on that. it's so hard for me, though, and it's too hard to explain to people without having a breakdown. i tried to talk to my dad about it at white horse over the summer, and i ended up crying for a half hour outside on the deck. i can't deal with this, but i think i can fix it. i want to fix it. it's fixable, but i don't know if i can fix it without people's help. i don't want medication, it scares me...plus, i can't swallow pills. i've got to stop thinking about what people think of me, being paranoid. i have to do what i do, like what i like, be who i am, and hope for the best. i wish i could be loud like i am at home around kids at school. i think i'd be popular if i learned to speak up more. i don't know if i want to be popular, but i'd like to have opinions, and not be afraid to answer a question or something in class. i want to have a whole entire day where i don't second-guess or over-think a single thing. that's what i wish for. i'll wish for it every day, one day at a time, until i get into the habit. i don't know how long that will take. i have to make it work. i don't want to talk to mike or dave about it, even though they have similar issues. they were depressed, though, and i don't know if i am. i don't feel like i am. but maybe i am.
if people say something to me, and it's not delivered in the ideal way for me, then i begin to panic. was my tone off? did i sound like a bitch? i didn't mean for it to be offensive. what did they sound like when they answered? why didn't they answer; did they hear me? should i go up and apologize? no, it'll be even stupider if you talk to them and they have no idea what you're talking about. wait until they talk to you again.
i'm afraid people won't want to say hi to me if they see me, so i walk with my eyes down. like that song by the eels. i need people to start conversations for me. it's very rare that i'll start one myself. i wish i could be a never ending conversation starter. like a machine.
people say i overreact, but to me, this reaction is completely rational. it sucks. i hate it. i don't know what to do about it. i had a therapist, but she was more of just a person i talked to, she didn't give me any advice i didn't already know. i can talk to people any time, and it won't cost me fifteen bucks a visit, either. maybe if i had one from an actual clinic or something...i mean, this lady, she was really nice, but she just seemed more like a listener than a helper. the suggestions she gave me, i had already learned during donna's a.p. history class. i'm intimidated easily, and it doesn't help things that the top kids in my class are in all of my classes. english is the one class i feel comfortable in, but even then, i'm afraid to be wrong. i don't get it, my classmates are wrong all the time, but they don't care; why should i? i remember once, mr. adams was looking for an answer about a story and the way it was formatted (it was out of order), and it reminded me of an oral history. probably because i had just read rant by chuck palahniuk. i was thinking this, and considered raising my hand, but then convinced myself that it was a stupid idea, that there was no way that was what the author was getting at.

guess what the answer ended up being?