softball preseason has started, and i'm already having second thoughts. i know for a fact that i'm not really playing because i love to play like julie or courtney or anybody. i think i'm playing just because i feel like i have to. there's also an award for a senior on the team who might not be the best player but still tries, etc., and i feel like i could get that. i kind of want it. i don't know. i'd much, much rather be keeping score and writing articles for the auburn news again like i did last season once jv was over. i'm just not competitive, i don't really care, i don't know why i keep pretending that i do. that's why i liked being on jv so much last year; if you sucked, it was okay. we were all just there to have fun. i want to write about it and watch it. i don't really want to play it. watching sports is so much more fun to me than playing them, unless it's for fun, which varsity isn't. i can't make jv again because i'm a senior, and part of me wishes that i'd get cut. that would make everything easier, like it did for field hockey. i wanted to quit field hockey so badly, but i didn't have the heart to, so when i was cut, it was like a blessing in disguise...to everyone else but me. it was just a blessing to me. if i make varsity just because i'm a senior, then i'll probably be taking the spot of a girl who's better than me, and who really wants to be there more than i do. this sucks.
we also have to miss yearbook meetings now because of preseason, and that really bothers me. i mean, preseason isn't mandatory, and the yearbook needs to be done in what, two weeks? i think we could skip a day or two of softball to work on it. plus, i'd love to have another annabelle day before yearbook's over. i don't want to go by myself, though, because that might make julie look bad for not going. but softball's more important to her, and yearbook's more important to me. blah. i have to figure this out.
i think i want to get cut.
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